Teens Suicide and Support

September is the month for back to school, sharpened pencils, cooler weather, apple orchards, and all things fall. September is also the month for increased pressure due to the demands of school, relationships, and work that exist upon summer’s ending. We all can identify with that “crunch” feeling of trying to cram all of our activities into one 24 hour day – and the exhaustion that sets in on those nights that either leaves us crashing down onto our pillows or laying there wide awake for hours, our minds spinning.

This also makes September the ideal month for suicide awareness, especially for our tweens and teens. As teens navigate new friendships, increased demands, new responsibilities, and a new schedule, there is a real possibility that they could become overwhelmed, lonely, sad, and depressed. This increase in stress emotions can lead to an increase in suicidal thoughts, urges, and behaviors. Suicide tends to be associated with stigma in our society, though suicidal thoughts are far more common than people realize. In fact, according to the Michigan Department of Health and Human Services (MDHHS), suicide is the second leading cause of death in individuals ages 10 to 24. Suicidal thoughts do not discriminate – they affect tweens and teens across all walks of life. This makes the possibility of encountering a teen who is struggling with these thoughts more likely than we think- and it can be scary if you don’t know how to respond when you do encounter it! Here are some steps you can take if a tween or teen approaches you with their struggle:

1. Stay Calm

This is often the hardest, though most important, step. When we are listening to a teenager tell us that they want to hurt themselves, that they have given up, or that they want to die, everything in us screams “no!” and our emotions show it. However, if we respond to a teen with intense emotions with our own intense emotions that just raises the teen’s emotions, which raises our emotions further, and hence raises theirs…you get the picture. At the end of this emotional cycle can be intense depression, threats, broken relationships, and lack of solutions. Staying calm models calming behavior for the teen and allows you to use your own rational part of your brain in your response. If you feel like you cannot remain calm during the conversation, pause, take some breaths, and let the teen know why you are doing that (“I am just going to pause for one moment to breathe, this is a lot to take in and I want to be able to fully hear you.”)

2. Validate the Emotion

Our natural instincts often lead us down a skewed path when responding to a teen with suicidal thoughts – telling us to say things like:

• “But you have so much to live for,”
• “Just think of all you would be missing out on,”
• “Suicide is never the answer.”

We may even venture to the following sentiments: “Suicide is a selfish act – think of how many people you would hurt,” or “You just have to change your mindset, if you think happy you will be happy.”

While most of these may be with good, pure intent – they are received as complete and utter invalidation, and often met with “You just don’t understand me” or complete and total silence (which is the signal that we have been pushed out of their help zone). Validation means that we are saying their emotions, experiences, human-ness is just as valid as our own. Validation does not mean that we AGREE with them – just that their point of view is VALID. This might look like this, “Wow – I can tell you are in a lot of pain and you just want the pain to be over. I can’t imagine how hard that is for you, day in and day out, to be battling this and I am so glad you told me.”

3. Use “and” not “but”

Our cultural language is geared toward using “but” in most conversations. It looks like this:

• “I know you were busy yesterday, but I really needed that project done”
• “I know that you have a lot going on at home, but I need you to perform better here at work.”

When we use the word “but” anything that we say before the “but” is completely forgotten – people only remember what you say afterward (which is normally invalidating in some way).

So, when you tell a teenager, “I understand that you are in pain but there are still expectations in this house,” all they hear is “there are still expectations in this house.” You tried to validate, but the “but” totally minimized your validation. Words like “but” and “however” (which is just a fancy “but”) are separating words – they pull two things apart in a sentence. The word “and” is a joining word- it pulls two parts of a sentence together. If at all possible, when talking to a teen with an escalated emotion, use “and”- they will hear your validation and they will be able to respond more to your feedback (see what I did there?)

4. Follow up

Once you have validated, you have used “and,” and the teen is coming down from the intensity of the emotion, you can start a more rational response by asking “I hear you that this is so tough and I want to support you. What do you need from me right now?” They may or may not know the answer to this question, so you can start by looking at the four things kids and teens need – to feel safe, secure, soothed, and seen (per Dr. Daniel Siegel’s work). In that moment, be asking and looking for ways that you can help the teen feel:

• Safe: Removing possible threats, staying with them, sleeping in their room, taking them out of the room that is tempting them
• Secure: BlanketsWarmthSurrounded by things they love
• Soothed: Think five senses- favorite thing to hear, smell, see, feel, taste
• Seen: Validate, validate, validate!

5. Seek help

So a teen has come to you, they have said they are want to give up on life, you have validated their feelings, used “and” like a rockstar, asked and offered support – now what? Now is the time that you seek help. If a teen is saying that they are having suicidal thoughts and plan on acting on those thoughts, bring them to the emergency room or call 911 to have an ambulance transport them. Teens can also call or text a suicide hotline if they would like to talk through their thoughts and feelings (call: 1-800-273-8255; or text the word “home” to 741741). Stay with the teen and follow the safety plan given to you by professionals if you call, text, or speak to someone in an emergency room. Individuals with Medicaid also have access to network180 in Kent County for crisis evaluations (call 1-800-749-7220 to reach their access center).

Teens who are struggling with suicidal thoughts may also benefit from a more structured program like an adolescent Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program (DBT) which is designed for teens with suicidal thoughts, self-harm behaviors, intense emotions, depression, and anxiety. Wedgwood Christian Services offers one of the few adolescent programs in Kent County – for an evaluation or to determine if this program would be a good fit for your teen, please call our intake line at 616-942-7294.

The topic of suicide can be a tricky and scary road to navigate. Don’t do it alone! If you need support in managing this, please reach out for help – your teen’s life could very well depend on it. We want all of our teens to experience September for its fall merriment – and are here to help you and your teen navigate these struggles.